We first met Eva at Heathrow Airport in the Harrods duty free shop. Danielle and Sharon were putting the teddy bears on display into amusing positions and Eva walked over to us with a shopping basket full of whisky, caviar and flights (for darts). “Vot are you doing?”, she asked us. We looked around us shiftily and then showed her the teddy bears in their new amusing positions. She seemed unimpressed and went off to pay for her shopping. We moved onto cuddly rabbits before being thrown out unceremoniously by a security guard.
An unpromising start then but, quite by chance, Danielle found herself sat next to Eva on the flight to Tashkent and, because Sharon spent the whole flight looking out of the window oohing and aahing at the clouds, Danielle struck up a conversation with her.
As it turned out, they got on rather well, although Eva tends to go on about Darts, Whisky, Caviar and Gregor Schenk von Osterwitz, Archbishop of Salzburg between 1396 and 1403, which can get a bit tedious after a while. However, Eva was very interested to hear about our Wicker Furniture horticultural pursuits and our collection of Hillman Imp Carburettors and between them they managed to while away the hours during the flight.
So that’s how we met. Eva is a world class darts player and has won the World Title for Synchronised Round the Clock five times, scoring a perfect 10 for artistry in 2005. Here is a picture of Eva (far right) and her fellow team mates at that fateful World Championships in 2005.
Eva definitely is a Diva. On our flight to Tashkent, for instance, she was making all kinds of demands on the flight attendants, even though we were flying third class economy, were not even entitled to seat belts and had to breathe second-hand air. I have to admit, I was embarrassed when she demanded to be served Caviar Blancmange and Garlic Eclairs and to be given a large teddy bear to hug for take off and landing (she is a nervous flyer).
Conversely, she is also notoriously tight fisted and can spot a bargain through thirty supermarket aisles. She always knows where the 2 for 1 and 3 for 2 offers are and will fight, bite and scratch to get the last dented tin of beans from the bargain bucket.
Her darts playing is phenomenal and it has come in handy away from the oche on numerous occasions, including once when she was shopping in Waitrose in Dartford in Kent. While she was going through the checkout, an armed robbery took place and the robbers looked set to get away with £278,361.84 takings. Cool as a fruitstand, she took her darts out of her handbag and felled the three ruffians with three deft flicks of the wrist. She got the first robber in the neck, the second in the thigh and the third in his right buttock.
She got a standing ovation and was awarded the freedom of the town of Dartford. Here she is just after she had given the police a witness statement, which later led to the conviction and jailing of the three armed robbers (now known as the Dartford Three).
We would like to introduce you to two very good friends, Albert and Herbert Sherbert. We met Albert and Herbert at a wicker chair growers’ convention in Disappointment, Kentucky. Albert and Herbert had brought a magnificent 3 seater sofa with them. It had taken them 15 years and 36,783 bottles of Baby Bio to grow it and Albert had hand sewn the cushions and stuffed them with his chest hair. Of course, they won first prize. Our carefully grown child’s footstool got an honourable mention in the beginners’ class.
Albert and Herbert were happy to offer us tips on how best to grow wicker furniture and following their advice, we were able to take a lovely wicker rocking chair to this year’s convention in Pratt’s Bottom in Kent. We won 2nd prize in the conservatory class and display our certificate with pride at work. Needless to say, Albert and Herbert won first prize again with a beautiful Chaise Longue.
Here is a picture of Albert and Herbert Sherbert at last year’s Highland Games. Unfortunately, Albert dislocated his shoulder after tossing the caber. However, Herbert won the Haggis eating contest.
Filed under: Games
Sharon thought of another game and asked Danielle what she thought.
Sharon said “I just left a message on Mac Jay-Kin’s voicemail and I forgot to leave him a number to ring me back on”. Sharon and Danielle’s number doesn’t come up on caller displays, you see, so they have to leave their number. Sharon then rang back and said “Sorry, Mac, I forgot to leave my number: it’s…” She managed to sound quite embarrassed but actually thought it was funny. So that became Sharon’s idea for a game.
Danielle came up with an amended version, which we both think is really funny. You need to do this from a phone that with-holds the number (like the phones at work do) or it won’t work.
You ring somebody and leave a message asking them to ring you back but you MUST NOT leave your number or it won’t work. Then you wait a while, a couple of hours, maybe a day and then ring back and shout at the other person for not ringing you back.
Sharon hasn’t tried it yet but she can’t speak for Danielle. We think it’s worth a go.
Sharon got a text from her sister on 23 March this year (when it was snowing) and we have decided to share the words of wisdom in it with the world. We hope that our readers can all benefit from Stephanie’s intellect and learning:
It’s proper snowing down here on Planet Thanet. Big fat flakes of the Christmas Card variety. The inbreds are scratching their heads and laying Head and Shoulders down to deal with this curious outbreak of dandruff. Others are making sacrifices to their God, Reebok. It would be a dangerous time for virgins if there were any available but they have already been “taken” by the followers of Strongbow.
As you are now aware, Danielle and Sharon both want to be Superheroes. Sharon is Spelling and Punctuation Girl and Danielle is Repudiation Girl. Now Sharon’s young man, John, also wants to be a Superhero – the Great Crescendo – but he also wants to have a Supervillain alter ego – the Fearsome Fartpants (excuse my French). Ah, he just said, “What do you mean ‘wants to be a Superhero?’ He is a Superhero!'” Delusional!
Sharon has come up with an idea for his outfit. John usually dresses soberly and with much style so his Superhero alter ego will have to be rather flamboyant. He will wear a lime green lycra catsuit with a yellow tutu, Dr Marten boots and a large ff on his chest. He will have to have to wear a mask to protect his identity and will jet propel himself round the world righting wrongs and generally being a good guy.
His catchphrase will be “I’ve farted so I’ll finish”. Nifty huh?
His alter ego, the Supervillain, the Fearsome Fartpants, will dress all in black with another large ff on his chest but nobody will realise that he and the Great Crescendo are one and the same extremely disturbed individual. He will also be jet propelled but will fly around the country shielded by his foul smelling cloud of invisibility leaving mayhem and destruction in his wake. And poor old Great Crescendo will have to go back and put things right when he regains control of John’s body.
Ah the possibilities are endless!