Words of Wisdom from Danielle and Sharon

A Crime Wave in St Darrens-on-Sea
March 2, 2009, 10:52 pm
Filed under: Crime, Gerontology, People | Tags:

Recently, Sharon and John have noticed a helicopter flying around St Darrens-on-Sea rather a lot. This has caused a great deal of speculation in and around the small seaside resort, where, as a rule, nothing ever happens. It has also caused much head scratching and pondering in John and Sharon’s humble abode. Even George the Farmer is perplexed.

The helicopter searching for elderly escapees

The helicopter searching for elderly escapees

Eventually, Sharon decided to consult her oldest and best friend, Danielle, to see if she could come up with an answer to the conundrum. Danielle, with her usual quick-wittedness, came up with the answer. There must have been a break out from Willowbank.

St Darrens-on-Sea is unique in the British Isles, as it has the only Maximum Security Retirement Facility in the UK and Republic of Ireland. Willowbank Maximum Security Rest Home houses some of the most dangerous OAPs in Western Europe .  It was opened on 23 June 2004 by Trevor Legislation, Secretary of State for Dick Cheney, and was hailed as a breakthrough in the care for the elderly.

Trevor Legislation opening Willowbank in June 2004

Trevor Legislation opening Willowbank in June 2004

A special diet has been developed by leading Scottish Criminal Gerontologist, Grampian McMurdo, and the inmates receive four square meals of tea and biscuits a day. There are plenty of activities available to the elderly residents, including bingo, stair lift racing and daytime television. There is a post office in the grounds, where the inmates can go to chat, draw their pensions and queue jump. However, it is a maximum security facility and their freedom is curtailed, so a favourite pastime at many old people’s homes, boxing, is banned.

However, despite its 10ft tall perimeter electric fence topped with barbed wire, it is evident that some resourceful and extremely criminal old ladies and gentlemen have been able to organise a number of escapes over the past few weeks.


Willowbank Maximum Security Retirement Facility

Bus queue jumping by old ladies has increased sevenfold in St Darrens and its surrounding areas and there have been numerous assaults with handbags, walking sticks and even zimmer frames reported to the police recently. There have been a number of incidents of Mobility Scooter Rage, including one where a woman of 32 was chased for three miles by a senile delinquent at 8 miles per hour.

Getaway Car outside the bank, while a robbery is in progress.

Getaway Car outside the bank, while a robbery is in progress.

So the helicopter has been looking for escapees and one by one they are being caught. The helicopter has been invaluable, as it is able to track the elderly miscreants as they go to ground in bingo halls, community centres and church halls. Police chases at 8 miles per hour are much safer with the helicopter hovering overhead and the thermal imaging can identify them by the hot water bottles secreted about their persons.

We are all very grateful for the helicopter in St Darrens-on-Sea. After all, it’s making it a safer place for us all.


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